I'm Knackered!

There, I admit it. The last six years have had a huge impact on me.

I’m knackered. Worn out. Tired. Exhausted.

Although not one to ever have worried about ageing, when I look in the mirror now, I just see an older me looking back. My face has lost its bounce, and I’ve lost my ability to bounce back!

Although Covid was hideous for those deeply affected, I miss the sense of freedom I felt: from obligation, from commuting, from doing stuff societal ‘norms’ expect of us.

Then the time spent seeing someone I love lose their life to cancer, supporting another through major surgery and the legacy of living with long-term pain, caring long-distance for my mum and not being there when her life came to a sudden end, dealing with an unexpected and unpleasant redundancy, and trying and failing to juggle it all around a self-funded PhD, which I had to withdraw from in October.

When I write it down, I see how much these things can take their toll. But I’ve always been the one who digs deep and gets on with life. I’ve always been the one to adapt to change and just keep going. The one with an optimistic outlook. But this year, I can’t do that any more.

I need to take some time out, not to worry about how to make a sustainable living as an artist, but simply to be an artist, outside of the day job. I need to be kind to myself. So, I may or may not run workshops; I may or may not make art; I may or may not record podcasts, but I will definitely have time with friends and loved ones.

I will definitely notice the little things, take things slowly and go back to those beautiful blue sky days when I only had to listen to the song of the skylark and the whoosh of the waves.